Pounds

Today was the day. I was going up to weight watchers to sign up. They are having a sale and I am all done being fat. I hate it.
I wasn't happy about weight watchers. I know that they are really great for lots of people, and have tons of tools to help you lose....but I hate having to keep track. It depresses me. I don't want every bite to be a number. My problem isn't over eating. Sure, sometimes I splurge...but then I spend a few days eating less. My problem is that I don't spend enough days eating more. When left to my own devices, I will not eat. I will not prepare food for myself. I'm sure there's a whole truckload of emotional baggage that makes me that way, but still...I don't eat enough. My body is in a constant state of starvation, and I need to look past that. I need to eat.

Tracy, a woman in my spiritual community, has offered to set me up with a nutritional plan, with exercise. I avoided her for almost a week. I didn't want to talk to one more person about my weight. I didn't want to do the whole "I don't eat enough" "But, you're so fat" thing. And, the level of shame about my size and all the reasons for it, weren't something I wanted to get into.
Last night, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew that if I didn't write to her, and tell her the truth, I would be the person I most fear myself to be. That flaky girl that always says she'll do something, but never does. I don't want to be her...anymore. I know I have been, I know its in me to do that. I know the reasons why I do that, and I'm sick and tired of them.
Fear. Always fear.
Fear of not succeeding, which is different than fear of failure.
Fear of being horrible
Fear of being judged
Fear of "What if people think I suck?"
FEAR!!! I hate that somewhere along the way I became such a fearful person. I hate that I suffer anxiety over my fears. That's ridiculous!! There is so much more in this world that I could be anxious over....
I am going to try Tracy's diet plan. And see if I can't try to be a bit more understanding with myself. I would never hold anyone else to the unreachable standards I have for myself. I think its time to figure out if those standards are even mine, or  some outdated thinking from people who are long dead...

It's strange to think that going through all I did while growing up, and being able to forgive and heal all the physical violence that happened......I cannot let go of the words.