I think I can, I think I can

I just read the nutrition plan that Tracy sent.

It's not that its a difficult plan, its that I have a problem with food. I have to overcome, learn to accept and eat the shit out of some damn pasta and other grain related things. The alternative is to make up the caloric intake with an obscene amount of veggies. I can do it.

I would expect it of my children, and my husband, and any friend that came to me for help. I've sent family members on similar paths, and never made the connection that its what I need to do too.

I can do this.

Revelations chapter 1 verse 2,458,476 plus 3

I take the time to make sure my girls and Rick have all the fruits and veggies and proteins, good foods and whole grains. I make sure they eat them...but I have a serious problem with feeding myself. Today, for example, Reilly made eggs. I had three eggs, with about an ounce of summer sausage and a tablespoon of cheese and two tablespoons of salsa. That was at 6:15. At 10:00 I was hungry, my tummy was rumbling and everything. So I had a whole wheat bagel, with about 2 tablespoons of whipped cream cheese (whipped spreads thinner). By the time I talked to you, I was starving, tummy growling, a little light headed. Rick raised his voice to me when I told him that I didn't want to stop and eat. I said I'd wait until I got home, that I'd been eating all damn morning and I wasn't going to waste away....we both knew that by the time I got home I would have waited until dinner to eat.
So, I called back, told him about the talk with Tracy, and weight watchers and the nutrition plan. And he said GOOD! You need to eat. I told him its hard, that I've been doing this for 14 years... and that's when Reilly's beautiful face swam up and interrupted my thoughts. I can't imagine how much of a hypocrite she must think I am. I hover over every bite she takes, making sure that she's accepting of her figure and eating properly, being healthy. I never thought I would still be anorexic....because I weigh 266 pounds, and fat chicks aren't normally thought of as anorexic. But, I guess its like alcoholism....I'll have to take it one day at a time, and re-wire my mind.

Pounds

Today was the day. I was going up to weight watchers to sign up. They are having a sale and I am all done being fat. I hate it.
I wasn't happy about weight watchers. I know that they are really great for lots of people, and have tons of tools to help you lose....but I hate having to keep track. It depresses me. I don't want every bite to be a number. My problem isn't over eating. Sure, sometimes I splurge...but then I spend a few days eating less. My problem is that I don't spend enough days eating more. When left to my own devices, I will not eat. I will not prepare food for myself. I'm sure there's a whole truckload of emotional baggage that makes me that way, but still...I don't eat enough. My body is in a constant state of starvation, and I need to look past that. I need to eat.

Tracy, a woman in my spiritual community, has offered to set me up with a nutritional plan, with exercise. I avoided her for almost a week. I didn't want to talk to one more person about my weight. I didn't want to do the whole "I don't eat enough" "But, you're so fat" thing. And, the level of shame about my size and all the reasons for it, weren't something I wanted to get into.
Last night, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew that if I didn't write to her, and tell her the truth, I would be the person I most fear myself to be. That flaky girl that always says she'll do something, but never does. I don't want to be her...anymore. I know I have been, I know its in me to do that. I know the reasons why I do that, and I'm sick and tired of them.
Fear. Always fear.
Fear of not succeeding, which is different than fear of failure.
Fear of being horrible
Fear of being judged
Fear of "What if people think I suck?"
FEAR!!! I hate that somewhere along the way I became such a fearful person. I hate that I suffer anxiety over my fears. That's ridiculous!! There is so much more in this world that I could be anxious over....
I am going to try Tracy's diet plan. And see if I can't try to be a bit more understanding with myself. I would never hold anyone else to the unreachable standards I have for myself. I think its time to figure out if those standards are even mine, or  some outdated thinking from people who are long dead...

It's strange to think that going through all I did while growing up, and being able to forgive and heal all the physical violence that happened......I cannot let go of the words.

Freshman

This year, I am the parent of a high school freshman. Wow. I feel a little bit old, but mostly proud of her. We live in the part of the country where teen pregnancy and drop outs happen frequently. Scary stuff.
She's stretching her wings, and with that comes arguments with mom. Normal. It's going to be difficult, and fun, and worth every minute. And I want it to go slow. Sometimes, it feels like its all happening too fast. I have to remind myself that my kids, my family is what's really important. Take a minute and breathe.
My noodlegirl is in second grade. She came home and said that she has a textbook this year. Its her first.
I'm pretty proud of them....

Not so tough, am I?

So. The move began, and ended, all within a week. We were excited, our friend was excited. It was happening. We even got some stuff in there. Then we stayed the night. I kept myself busy doing all sorts of crap. Putting things away, filling out school paperwork, fighting with the youngest to get her to go to sleep. Then we started making plans to build a third bedroom, and for various other furniture placement issues. Normal moving stuff.
Then came bedtime. I got in bed, and couldn't stop envisioning spiders. EVERYWHERE! There weren't anymore spiders in that house than in any other house, but I couldn't stop thinking about them. Which led to feeling them. Then to searching for them so I could kill them. Then I couldn't sleep at all. So, I got up and started pacing, and looking. By the time midnight rolled around, my hubby was up with me. Trying to calm me down. I couldn't do it, I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight. I do believe I was having an anxiety attack. My first in about a year. I told him I could tough it out, I wasn't going to be the wuss that cost our family the chance to start over.
Then my oldest, my calm one, my level headed girl....she tells me that she tried, she really did...but she can't sleep. "There's spiders all over me, Mom." She was feeling the same way I was.

Fear is never rational. Fear is never the smart choice. Fear is often the wedge that separates us from something awesome. And I know all this to be true. I also know, that with all the other things I have in my overflowing emotional soup bowl, I don't think I could have gotten past my fear enough to help my daughter get past hers. Not such a tough girl now, am I?

So, I told our friend last night. And I feel like an asshole, and a failure. There are so few people in this world that I truly want to know forever, and she's pretty near the top of that list. I've hurt her, cost her time and money, and I've just taken away the comfort in knowing that her family home would be looked after. She told me that it would be ok, that we would be ok. And I know her well enough to know that she doesn't waste anything, most especially not words.
It doesn't lessen the douche bag feeling that I'm having. She offered to take me spider smelling...whatever that is...maybe after I work out some of my soupy shit, I'll let her.

puttin the moves on

We are jumping headfirst into the moving truck starting tomorrow. The girls are getting registered for school, and then we have open house. School begins Wednesday. For the next two+ weeks we will be living in two houses, two cities, boxes, and the back of my car. It will be an adventure.....right? We are excited and nervous about the whole thing. One daughter is looking forward to her new school, meeting new people and exploring the library. The other daughter is very sad about leaving her hometown. She's been in this area since she was a year old. This will be hard.
My hubby and I are nervous, and hopefull. We are starting over and putting distance between us and family for a while. We are truthfully doing it because it has become necessary. This house or the family? They win. We'll have to wait and see how long it takes for them to realize the why's of what we're doing and appreciate them.
We have a pretty busy month ahead of us. Wish us well.

Friends

Today I spent the entire first half of my day feeling like crap. I was whiny and wanted my bed and wasn't shy about saying so. Which was unfortunate as we were at the Botanical Garden, several thrift stores and a frozen yogurt place while I was doing all this. My hubby said it was fine and that he understood, my daughters said they just wanted me to feel better. But on top of feeling like crap, I also felt guilty.
So this was the mess I was in as we pulled into our friends driveway. I felt like an ass. None of this was rational, and none of it was put on me by anyone else. This is my bullshit that I go through every single time I don't feel amazing.
I worked really hard on letting it go, and stayed away from food for quite a while. And I let the love and friendship work their magic. It worked, it usually does when i stop being an ass about stuff. I'm finding my way slowly and just wanted to share this little bit. I think its important.