We've landed. We found a new home, a new place. We found (mostly) a happy spot. Our youngest is having a rough time adjusting, but she's coming along. Our oldest wants to push at the boundaries and see if she can't nudge them just a bit. We are settling in quite well. Now, its time to bring my focus back to me. The hard part. Tomorrow, I think I'll work out...I need to. I hurt all over and my weight is out of control. Its kinda scary.
I've got a concern I have to figure out too. My brother has a couple of spots on his lung. Tomorrow he makes the appointment to find out. I'm worried about him.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Kind to myself
Yesterday we went to a very large local merchants market. I sampled my way through it all. I then took my happy ass to a birthday party and ate fried chicken, cake and some amazing cheese dip thing...yum. I had tator tots on the way home.
I found myself thinking about feeling guilty, but choosing not too. I wasn't binging, I was eating crap. Because the market happens once a year, as does my friends birthday. I was celebrating. I don't eat like that every day, or even every week. It was liberating. And exciting. I don't have to feel bad every time I eat!! Today, I made mostly good choices, and tomorrow, I'll do the same. I think I'm figuring it all out.
I've got three great women taking an interest in my life, in me. They don't know how much they're affecting me, how much they are inspiring me to change. One is opening my mind to simple things, basic things, that I never realized. She says things like, " You can't be anyone but who you are." And she says them during normal conversation, its just how she thinks. I'm not sure I've ever found that kind of acceptance, and had it re-enforced verbally, before.
One woman has been discussing food with me. She's doesn't feed me a line of bullshit, she doesn't tell me I suck, she just tells me to be kind to myself, to enjoy, that I am worth taking care of too.
One woman is teaching my spirit. We go through the physical aspect of a religious teaching, but she never leaves it at that. She goes deeper, to make sure I'm not just memorizing and repeating. Spirituality is about spirit, and she's quick to make sure I am taking care of mine. I've never had anyone to teach how to take care of it before.
Its quite humbling to be part of the lives of these women. I find them all to be wonderfully warm and caring and brilliant and fun and sassy and witty and strong. These are the strongest women I've ever known.
To say I'm grateful is an understatement.
I found myself thinking about feeling guilty, but choosing not too. I wasn't binging, I was eating crap. Because the market happens once a year, as does my friends birthday. I was celebrating. I don't eat like that every day, or even every week. It was liberating. And exciting. I don't have to feel bad every time I eat!! Today, I made mostly good choices, and tomorrow, I'll do the same. I think I'm figuring it all out.
I've got three great women taking an interest in my life, in me. They don't know how much they're affecting me, how much they are inspiring me to change. One is opening my mind to simple things, basic things, that I never realized. She says things like, " You can't be anyone but who you are." And she says them during normal conversation, its just how she thinks. I'm not sure I've ever found that kind of acceptance, and had it re-enforced verbally, before.
One woman has been discussing food with me. She's doesn't feed me a line of bullshit, she doesn't tell me I suck, she just tells me to be kind to myself, to enjoy, that I am worth taking care of too.
One woman is teaching my spirit. We go through the physical aspect of a religious teaching, but she never leaves it at that. She goes deeper, to make sure I'm not just memorizing and repeating. Spirituality is about spirit, and she's quick to make sure I am taking care of mine. I've never had anyone to teach how to take care of it before.
Its quite humbling to be part of the lives of these women. I find them all to be wonderfully warm and caring and brilliant and fun and sassy and witty and strong. These are the strongest women I've ever known.
To say I'm grateful is an understatement.
Friday, September 2, 2011
sick
spent most of yesterday feeling sick to my stomach. the rest of it, I spent feeling way panicky. I ate all damn day, most of it was really good food, and good for me. I hadn't not planned properly for dinner, and ended up with the baddest of bad, fast food, after class. However, I didn't finish everything I ordered.
Today, I am better prepared. And this weekend, when I'll be away from home every single day, I will be super prepared....maybe even with a cape.
I think it's going to take some time to get used to having food in my belly. That might just be the roughest part.
Today, I am better prepared. And this weekend, when I'll be away from home every single day, I will be super prepared....maybe even with a cape.
I think it's going to take some time to get used to having food in my belly. That might just be the roughest part.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I think I can, I think I can
I just read the nutrition plan that Tracy sent.
It's not that its a difficult plan, its that I have a problem with food. I have to overcome, learn to accept and eat the shit out of some damn pasta and other grain related things. The alternative is to make up the caloric intake with an obscene amount of veggies. I can do it.
I would expect it of my children, and my husband, and any friend that came to me for help. I've sent family members on similar paths, and never made the connection that its what I need to do too.
I can do this.
It's not that its a difficult plan, its that I have a problem with food. I have to overcome, learn to accept and eat the shit out of some damn pasta and other grain related things. The alternative is to make up the caloric intake with an obscene amount of veggies. I can do it.
I would expect it of my children, and my husband, and any friend that came to me for help. I've sent family members on similar paths, and never made the connection that its what I need to do too.
I can do this.
Revelations chapter 1 verse 2,458,476 plus 3
I take the time to make sure my girls and Rick have all the fruits and veggies and proteins, good foods and whole grains. I make sure they eat them...but I have a serious problem with feeding myself. Today, for example, Reilly made eggs. I had three eggs, with about an ounce of summer sausage and a tablespoon of cheese and two tablespoons of salsa. That was at 6:15. At 10:00 I was hungry, my tummy was rumbling and everything. So I had a whole wheat bagel, with about 2 tablespoons of whipped cream cheese (whipped spreads thinner). By the time I talked to you, I was starving, tummy growling, a little light headed. Rick raised his voice to me when I told him that I didn't want to stop and eat. I said I'd wait until I got home, that I'd been eating all damn morning and I wasn't going to waste away....we both knew that by the time I got home I would have waited until dinner to eat.
So, I called back, told him about the talk with Tracy, and weight watchers and the nutrition plan. And he said GOOD! You need to eat. I told him its hard, that I've been doing this for 14 years... and that's when Reilly's beautiful face swam up and interrupted my thoughts. I can't imagine how much of a hypocrite she must think I am. I hover over every bite she takes, making sure that she's accepting of her figure and eating properly, being healthy. I never thought I would still be anorexic....because I weigh 266 pounds, and fat chicks aren't normally thought of as anorexic. But, I guess its like alcoholism....I'll have to take it one day at a time, and re-wire my mind.
So, I called back, told him about the talk with Tracy, and weight watchers and the nutrition plan. And he said GOOD! You need to eat. I told him its hard, that I've been doing this for 14 years... and that's when Reilly's beautiful face swam up and interrupted my thoughts. I can't imagine how much of a hypocrite she must think I am. I hover over every bite she takes, making sure that she's accepting of her figure and eating properly, being healthy. I never thought I would still be anorexic....because I weigh 266 pounds, and fat chicks aren't normally thought of as anorexic. But, I guess its like alcoholism....I'll have to take it one day at a time, and re-wire my mind.
Pounds
Today was the day. I was going up to weight watchers to sign up. They are having a sale and I am all done being fat. I hate it.
I wasn't happy about weight watchers. I know that they are really great for lots of people, and have tons of tools to help you lose....but I hate having to keep track. It depresses me. I don't want every bite to be a number. My problem isn't over eating. Sure, sometimes I splurge...but then I spend a few days eating less. My problem is that I don't spend enough days eating more. When left to my own devices, I will not eat. I will not prepare food for myself. I'm sure there's a whole truckload of emotional baggage that makes me that way, but still...I don't eat enough. My body is in a constant state of starvation, and I need to look past that. I need to eat.
Tracy, a woman in my spiritual community, has offered to set me up with a nutritional plan, with exercise. I avoided her for almost a week. I didn't want to talk to one more person about my weight. I didn't want to do the whole "I don't eat enough" "But, you're so fat" thing. And, the level of shame about my size and all the reasons for it, weren't something I wanted to get into.
Last night, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew that if I didn't write to her, and tell her the truth, I would be the person I most fear myself to be. That flaky girl that always says she'll do something, but never does. I don't want to be her...anymore. I know I have been, I know its in me to do that. I know the reasons why I do that, and I'm sick and tired of them.
Fear. Always fear.
Fear of not succeeding, which is different than fear of failure.
Fear of being horrible
Fear of being judged
Fear of "What if people think I suck?"
FEAR!!! I hate that somewhere along the way I became such a fearful person. I hate that I suffer anxiety over my fears. That's ridiculous!! There is so much more in this world that I could be anxious over....
I am going to try Tracy's diet plan. And see if I can't try to be a bit more understanding with myself. I would never hold anyone else to the unreachable standards I have for myself. I think its time to figure out if those standards are even mine, or some outdated thinking from people who are long dead...
It's strange to think that going through all I did while growing up, and being able to forgive and heal all the physical violence that happened......I cannot let go of the words.
I wasn't happy about weight watchers. I know that they are really great for lots of people, and have tons of tools to help you lose....but I hate having to keep track. It depresses me. I don't want every bite to be a number. My problem isn't over eating. Sure, sometimes I splurge...but then I spend a few days eating less. My problem is that I don't spend enough days eating more. When left to my own devices, I will not eat. I will not prepare food for myself. I'm sure there's a whole truckload of emotional baggage that makes me that way, but still...I don't eat enough. My body is in a constant state of starvation, and I need to look past that. I need to eat.
Tracy, a woman in my spiritual community, has offered to set me up with a nutritional plan, with exercise. I avoided her for almost a week. I didn't want to talk to one more person about my weight. I didn't want to do the whole "I don't eat enough" "But, you're so fat" thing. And, the level of shame about my size and all the reasons for it, weren't something I wanted to get into.
Last night, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew that if I didn't write to her, and tell her the truth, I would be the person I most fear myself to be. That flaky girl that always says she'll do something, but never does. I don't want to be her...anymore. I know I have been, I know its in me to do that. I know the reasons why I do that, and I'm sick and tired of them.
Fear. Always fear.
Fear of not succeeding, which is different than fear of failure.
Fear of being horrible
Fear of being judged
Fear of "What if people think I suck?"
FEAR!!! I hate that somewhere along the way I became such a fearful person. I hate that I suffer anxiety over my fears. That's ridiculous!! There is so much more in this world that I could be anxious over....
I am going to try Tracy's diet plan. And see if I can't try to be a bit more understanding with myself. I would never hold anyone else to the unreachable standards I have for myself. I think its time to figure out if those standards are even mine, or some outdated thinking from people who are long dead...
It's strange to think that going through all I did while growing up, and being able to forgive and heal all the physical violence that happened......I cannot let go of the words.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Freshman
This year, I am the parent of a high school freshman. Wow. I feel a little bit old, but mostly proud of her. We live in the part of the country where teen pregnancy and drop outs happen frequently. Scary stuff.
She's stretching her wings, and with that comes arguments with mom. Normal. It's going to be difficult, and fun, and worth every minute. And I want it to go slow. Sometimes, it feels like its all happening too fast. I have to remind myself that my kids, my family is what's really important. Take a minute and breathe.
My noodlegirl is in second grade. She came home and said that she has a textbook this year. Its her first.
I'm pretty proud of them....
She's stretching her wings, and with that comes arguments with mom. Normal. It's going to be difficult, and fun, and worth every minute. And I want it to go slow. Sometimes, it feels like its all happening too fast. I have to remind myself that my kids, my family is what's really important. Take a minute and breathe.
My noodlegirl is in second grade. She came home and said that she has a textbook this year. Its her first.
I'm pretty proud of them....
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